Gary Bettman has recently cited the rising costs of massage therapists as a legitimate reason to not accept the proposal put forth by the NHLPA. Being the frugal manager that I am, I am proposing my own cost savings measures for the Coyotes:
- A free meal is a free meal. No more standing around going over hockey strategy while the giant flying taco sails overhead dropping free chalupa coupons. Gary wants to see you boys jumping for coupons and your only response should be, “How high, Gary? How high?”
- Healthy scratch? Quit standing around the wife’s lounge kvetching about the cost of botox and who missed bunco night. Get your ass down to the locker room and clean it. Ya, I’m talking to you, Paulie.
- Road trip? Turn that underwear inside out on alternating days. If it’s not standing up in the corner on its own by the end of the trip, Gary won’t be happy.
- Two double beds at the hotel equals four to a room. And Sully can fit in the bathtub-just have him wad up an old Ray Whitney sweater for a pillow.
- Quit breaking your sticks. In fact, go back to playing with a wood stick. It’s cheaper and if it cracks, you can whittle it down for shinny-give it to one of the Doan or Morris kids…there’s like 17 of them.
- Bleeding from a fight? Puck cut ya in the face? That’s sad. Here’s a roll of duct tape. Gary says that you better make it last the whole season. *Klesla gets two
- Who needs massage therapists anyway? There are puck bunnies in every NHL city that will do it for free. Watch the happy endings though. Penicillin for your new STD costs Gary money. (Sorry married guys-this one is not for you. Gary doesn’t want your wife to be divorcing you and taking half the money that he so graciously allowed you to keep. You need something rubbed, you’re on your own…just like at home.)
- Called up from the AHL? Make sure your gas tank is full buddy ‘cause you are now driving it in. It’s an honor and a privilege to make the big show and if you don’t get there on time, Gary has 50 local beer leaguers ready to take your spot for free. *The little known but oft-touted Tom Fenton Clause-look it up.